as many of you know, the step-dad who raised me passed in 2001. cancer. although he was part of my life for as long as I can remember, we hadn’t had an easy relationship after he and my mom divorced when I was 15. but he was my younger sister’s dad and his extended family was the family I grew up with and he was always in my life. unfortunately, it took his illness for us to truly let go of the “past” and be able to embrace our “history” as father and daughter. I regret that I wasted so many years having hurt feelings or resentment or rebellion or whatever other unnecessary negativity that I held onto (in my defense, 15 is a weird age to “lose” a parent yet still have them in your life peripherally.) I am so thankful I was able to be there in his last months. minutes. but being back home after 7 years away, I find myself thinking about him a lot and missing him.
his wife (they had been together for 4 years, married about 10 days before he died as was his last wish) sent me a message on facebook tonight. we haven’t had any contact since probably 2003, even though she lives literally a block from my mom in the house where dad’s ashes share the soil with a tree we planted in his honor. she updated me on her now 21 year old son (my “step-brother” who is now in Iraq and I can’t imagine being even a teenager let alone a grown man) and her job and family etc. then she said this and it made me sob.
I feel very lucky in life for all of the great people I have met and have fun relationships with. I include you in the fun relationship zone. I do miss chatting with you. You were such a great help to me in an incredibly difficult time and an awesome daughter to a man who did not appreciate how much positive energy you were until it was about too late to really communicate the value you were in his life. Fortunately he understood your value before he died. Hope he told you that… did he? More discussion there for sure. He loved you tons.
this came on shuffle while I was driving home tonight. and yes, I sang along loudly.
juliana hatfield three - spin the bottle
Do you feel it too, what I feel for you? If it was just us, would you do what I do? Everybody’s watching. Everybody’s looking. She’s such a sucker. He don’t want to fuck her. He is gonnna kiss me, if he doesn’t miss me. I am ready for it now. Already on the ground.
no, I’m not high at all. I haven’t been high in forever.
for the record, I have never smoked *anything* - no, not anything. I used to do, uh, a bit of coke (perhaps more on that another time, but there goes my political aspirations). oh, wait, ok pills. yeah, I take the xanax but it doesn’t count because it’s in a bottle with my very own name on it. if anyone has spare painkillers or muscle relaxers - do you have my address?
when I was 3 I accidentally ate my mom’s pot cookies.
but right now? totally sober.
oh. wait. you said hi. as in hello. ok then! hi beautiful!
i know you love cheese but.. do you have one absolute favorite kind of cheese? like if you had to pick ONE cheese to take on an island with you to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I like melty cheese.
fancy cheeses are awesome, but a good brick (excuse me, “loaf”) of Tillamook Cheddar is really all I need.
on sandwiches or burgers? I like Swiss.
with apples or pears, a creamy cheese? yes please!
I like feta on my pizza. shut up.
I have a friend who works at one of Portland’s nicer (er, more expensive) restaurants as a pastry chef. the last time I took a friend there to get a cocktail and a dessert (make that 5 desserts, she just kept sending out more amazing sweets for us to share), she arranged for the “cheese guy” to pay us a special visit. he prepared a cheese platter for us with three different, contrasting types. made up pairing sauces for them right there. it was devine.
cheese just makes everything better. except for today I had a salad that had beets (yum!) and asparagus (yum!) and candied pecans and goat cheese and for some reason it was the cheese that didn’t sit right with me. I almost gagged. I’m not sure if it was the texture while mixed in the salad or what but it made me sad.
just tonight I was thinking to myself that it’s weird I like Chinese food at all since you don’t add shredded jack to the pork fried rice.
just a note to say that I have, several times over the last decade, gone off meds and returned to them. one kind or another. I am, for the most part, ok off of them. but when I’m not ok, I’m really not ok. and I’ve learned that there is no shame in realizing that I am better off medicated. it can be so frustrating to deal with the doctor/insurance/refilling part of the process sometimes (I have just been through that myself, but then my old doctor came through with SIX months of refills - I take a minimal dosage, lucky that’s all the “balancing” I require- just as I was finally feeling better from the withdrawals) which only adds to the reason you need it. please don’t feel in any way that you’ve failed by not staying off whatever pill works for you. and good luck getting what you need.
the most self destructive girl I know she’s a little lost in the vertigo lipstick smeared red cherry paste hides unborn lies you cannot taste your never girl with her sweet voice hushed stands at your door in her velvet crushed and pulls you to her milky way a perfect end to her scarlet day she’s the suicide star of her poison cinema what a toy you are to this viral nebula but you can’t say no to the madness she craves the scattered debris on the path she paves if she found a way home she would still be alone bruised violet vivid nucleus livid
“y’know, i don’t look forward
to seeing you again soon
you’ll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won’t know what to do
and i won’t know what to say”—ani difranco - untouchable face
I thought your kiss would be bliss to taste surrendering all to the heat of us face to face finally a perfect insanity that’s what you create in me a turning and burning in my mind ‘til I find no more room for disgrace so I chase you away from me waiting for you to see all that you hate in me is all that you’ve made in me you’re never the same from day one to day two do you know who you are or what you want me to want from you?